Week 3 Predictions

Record: 3-1

I’ve asked my mother for advice only once in my life. Her response to my problem was, “Follow your heart. Your heart never lies.” Now I am kicking myself in the ass because I didn’t heed that advice during this year’s league draft. My heart was telling me to draft Shaun Alexander, but I took the glamorous choice in LaDanian Tomlinson.

I also should have taken the advice of Commissioner Hughes who, by the way, drank most of my beer the night of the draft. But anyway…….when Norv Turner was hired as San Diego’s coach, he told me very bluntly that he didn’t understand that hiring because Norv Turner was going to “ruin that offense.” How right he was.

After two weeks, two things are very prevalent in the world of the NFL: 1) Norv Turner is well on his way to ruining a great team and 2) New Orleans is adding credence to my year long NFL conspiracy theory during 2006. They were “America’s Pick” because of hurricane Katrina. The NFL LET them have the year they had, but the conspiracy to get Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy their first Super Bowls was even more enticing. Thus, New Orleans lost during the playoffs. And now? New Orleans is leading the way in football futility as they are very quickly going back to whence they came: the cellar. Drew Breese is not living up to his pre-fantasy #3 ranking (maybe his being traded to New Orleans is now justified?), Reggie Bush is finding out exactly what Archie Manning found out years ago: one person can’t save a franchise, especially going through the “sophomore jinx,” and where the hell is Colston, the rookie sensation from 2006? It looks like New Orleans is the Sacremento Kings of the NFL: a career ending, going no-where team. Don’t expect the up and coming superstars in Bush and Colston to stick around any longer than they have to.

Whew! Now that I have THAT off my chest, let me take a step down from my high horse and shell out predictions for Week 3. Wait! One more thing. There are only three undefeated teams left. How appropriate that they are all part of THE BROTHERHOOD! It just goes to show that Blood is thicker than Fantasy Football Leagues!

GAME OF THE WEEK: Warthogs vs. the Revolution
Man, this following the heart shit is getting tough. My heart is telling me to pick the Peppers vs. the Bailbonds or the BadAss Bills vs. the Syrens. But the Bailbonds didn’t come close to living up to Week 2 expectations and I am not sure the Syrens are even paying attention. The Gnus and Team Smith should be another sleeper, and the Niners should beat up on the Jakesters pretty badly. Besides, I want to save the Peppers and the BadAss Bills for their week four power house showdown.

The Wart on the Hogs are going to struggle mightily this week. Their top two ball-touchers, Chargers TQB and Reggie Bush are averaging only 8 points a piece. For two people who touch the ball as much as they do, this hurts real bad. They both are struggling and they both are facing formidable teams in GB and Tennessee. So don’t expect too much more out of them, especially Bush. Vince Young will keep the Tennessee offense on the field for long periods of time, reducing the number of chances Bush has to make a big play. Because of these limited chances, he will press too hard. And we all know that when Reggie Bush presses, he screws something up. So I would probably start the Jaguars TQB and Jamal Lewis, who is having a great resurgent year for Cleveland. Couple that with the fact that he is facing a next to nothing Oakland defense and the pickings will be ripe for Lewis to break 20 points. I would probably also try to pick up Donald Lee, the GB TE, since he is averaging 8.5 points and is facing a defunct Chargers Defense. If nothing else, he will more than double L.J. Smith’s (Philly) point production. With the way McNabb is struggling, you couldn’t pay me enough to have any of Philly’s offensive players. By the way, expect McNabb to be benched before the season ends, then released or traded. It’s sad that, at 30, he will spend the rest of his career as a backup.

Anyway…….throw in Who’s-Your-Momma being “probable” and Cato June basically sucking wind, and the Hogs will be lucky to break 130 points. The only mainstays on this team are Holt, Galloway, Ravens Defense, and the Colts players. So the Hogs should be lucky that none of these have a bye week this week or his team would be in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

During the four years the Mike Shula was the coach at Alabama, his teams NEVER had a 4th quarter, come-from-behind win. In 2006, his team led Florida, Tennessee, Arkansas, LSU, and Auburn in the 4th quarter. AS usual, Shula didn’t use the balls the good Lord gave him, went conservative and lost each of those games, amongst others. He also lost his job. He said in every press conference that his team was “close” to playing to their potential. Close, as you know, only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. But, what does this have to do with the Virginia Revolution?

While I don’t think the coach will lose his job, I do think he is “close” to breaking loose and having a dominating performance. It’s nice to see that he has used the throat the Lord has given him and swallowed his pride and benched Jones-Drew. Just like Rick Ashtley with “Never Gonna Give You Up,” Jones-Drew was a one hit wonder.

However, I didn’t expect the Revolution to act so quickly and make such drastic moves to the point where now, they appear to be on their way to a top-3 ranking in their division if his gambles pay off. Even though he has the Eagles TQB starting with an average of 14.5 points a game, the Eagles are facing a 2-0 resurgent and hungry Lions team who have the most dangerous trait a team could have: BELIEF. They now believe they can win because they have faith and talent. As crappy as McNabb looked against a so-so Redskins team, the Lions D will have their way and will shut both McNabb and Westbrook (listed as “questionable due to an MRI) down. Andy Reid should be looking at his young Quarterback and get him ready for the departure of McNabb at the end of this season. So bench McNabb, put either of your OP TQBs as the starter, then move Curry up to the OP position. Why?

Cleveland shocked the sports world last weekend by scoring 51 points with a shootout with the Bengals. That just goes to show you that if you live right, miracles can and DO happen. Don’t expect this to happen this week, even though Oakland is a much worse team than the Bengals. However, after seeing how the Bengals receivers had their way with the Cleveland defense, I expect Curry to have a similar day Sunday, possibly even eclipsing the point total he scored the first week. He may not score as many as Chad Johnson did last week against Cleveland, but a good 20-25 points is a conservative bet. I would also look at getting a better Head Coach. The “preferred” pick would be the Texans HC, but with them playing Indianapolis, they will lose their first game. Larry Johnson, of course, is having an “off” year averaging only 9.5 points a game. But with them facing the Vikings, this might be the game where he gets back on track.

Prediction: So where does all of this leave us? It leaves us with an exciting game that could come down to the wire or could be a tie. However, I can’t help but love what the coach of the Revolution has done to rebuild his team. The Hogs’ coach is distracted by three other leagues and I am not sure just how much he “cares” about this league. Plus, he is suffering from a sever case of the “burning ass” after eating 20+ Nuclear Wings at Beef O’Brady’s the other day. But, you would think that as much smack as I talk to him this league would be his “first love.” I am not so sure. Regardless, the Revolution get on track and spank the Warts. If they leave the team as it is, then the spanking is by 10 points. If they make the changes I suggested above, it could get a little ugly being in the 25-30 point range.

Niners vs. The Jakesters: The Jakesters have a new coach, but too little too late. The Niners by 36.5.

The Gnus vs. Team Smith: The Gnus are still riding the Manning/Wayne train in hopes that THAT engine will lead them to victory. But an engine needs more power to pull several cars plus a Caboose. As a result, Team Smith’s Steelers riddled team cake walks by 23.

BadAss Bills vs. The Syrens: unless the Syrens pull their heads out of their asses, they will continue to be nothing more than a weekly punching bag for the rest of the league. They practically handed the Bailbonds a victory last week by not playing a team defense. But, even if they did play one this week, it wouldn’t matter. The BadAss Bills are looking at this as a practice squad tune up for a Week 4 meeting with the Jimmy Peppers, and sing to the tune of an 89 point victory.

Peppers vs. The Bailbonds: in a rematch of Week 1 Titans, the Bailbonds are coming off of a win given to them on a silver platter. As predicted, they were looking past the Syrens to this week’s rematch. In a game that will be hotly contested, just as Week 1’s game was, the Peppers still come out on top by a hair at 21.5 points.

So there you have it. My predictions for Week three with a little help from Ms. Sapphire. Let the Games begin!